fUSION Anomaly. Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
This nOde last updated September 5th, 2003 and is permanently morphing...
(2 Chicchan (Serpent) / 13 Mol (Water) - 145/260 - 12.19.10.10.5)

I was doing peyote when i took my SAT's... got an 1800.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction...
I went to the hardware store and I bought some batteries... they weren't included...
Every once in awhile I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellite picture...
You know when you put a stick in the water and it looks like its bent but really isnt? That's why I don't take baths.
I have a map of the United States, it's actual size... it says 1 mile = 1 mile...
When I was little in our backyard we had a quicksand box... I was an only child..eventually.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays helter skelter...
- reference to the track MP3 by The Beatles off of _The White Album_ 12"x2 (1969)
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
- possible reference to _Little Girl Lost_ (vhs/ntsc), an episode of The Twilight Zone
If you were in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and you turned your headlights on would they work?

I was walking through the desert and a UFO landed , these little 1 inch tall guys got out and came over next to me, I said "are you really that small?" they said "no we're just really very far away".
The other day I was walking through the forest alone, a tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear it.
I bought this thing for my car... It sends out a noise so deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident, driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me... those were the days.
I have several hobbies which I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large seashell collection which i keep scattered all over the beaches of the world... maybe you've seen it?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The other day I woke up and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it... I called my friend and said 'come here, look at this stuff, it's all exact replicas... what do you think?' he said 'do i know you?'
Today I was... no, that wasn't me...
I took a lie detector test... no I didn't...
I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.
I bought a cordless extention cord.
I bought some land... It was kinda cheap... it was on somebody elses property.
I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a sky light... the people who live above me are furious.
I have a house... it's on the median strip of the highway... the only thing I don't like about it is when I leave my driveway I have to be going 60 MPH.
I decided I was gonna leave the house. My girlfriend said, "how long you gonna be gone?" I said, "the whole time."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is it's always room temperature.
Can you imagine if birds were tickeled by feathers? see a bird fly by laughing hysterically.
I owed my friend $25.. for about 2 weeks I had the money on me the whole time and never gave it to him. We were walking through an alley at 2 in the morning when an man stepped out of the shadows with a gun and said "you two, gimmie all your money". I said "wait a minute Joe here's the $25 I owe you." The thief took $1000 of his own money and at gunpoint made me borrow $1000 from joe.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Why does an iron have a "permanent press" setting?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is it true that if you put instant coffee in a microwave oven you will go back in time?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
I am a peripheral visionary. I can see the future, just way off to the side.
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say thatthe universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help, and I say, 'Have you got
anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, 'See, that's how it's done.'
The other day I got on an elevator this old guy got in with me... I was over near the button I pushed number four & I said 'where you going'. he said 'Phoenix'. so i pushed 'Phoenix'. doors opened. two tumbleweeds blew in. we stepped off we went to downtown Phoenix. I said 'you know you're a kind of guy Ireally like to hang out with.' he said 'well I'm going out the desert, you wanna go?' Isaid sure... so we hopped in his car and started driving out to the desert. he told me he spent most of his life working on a research project for the government trying to find out who financed the pyramids. he worked on it 30 years and they paid him an incredible amount of money... he told them he was pretty sure it was a guy named eddie. we got to his house 500 miles in the middle of the desert. the phone rings, he says 'you get it'. so I go over and I picked it up the man says 'Steven Wright'? Isaid 'yes?'. he said 'This is Mr. Haynes your student loan director from your bank.'

Absurdity
track _Live Standup_ MP3(48:20)(45.3megs)

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